It’s Alive!

Welcome to the very first post of my very own blog! This is where I will share my no holds barred, unfiltered thoughts and viewpoints. You’ve been warned.

I would like to start this blog by proudly announcing that I have created a life!

What is that thing!?

That is to say, my own. I’ve created my own life. It’s a work in progress, but I’m proud of it so far, and I plan to continue working on it, and right now having a baby doesn’t fit in that plan. Which is why, with the help of the above ultrasound pictures, I am proud to introduce the world to: My IUD!

Isn’t it cute?

But seriously, I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to share this information. I want to make it clear this is not meant to mock my friends who have or are having kids. I love and admire every single one of you.

At the same time, choosing not to have a child is a valid life choice, too. It’s a critical one, in fact, give the limited resources and turbulent times we live in. And I love my friends who have chosen to live their lives child-free as well.

The bottom line is, whether you are trying to have children, hope to have children somewhere down the line, or feel children just aren’t for you, it is the responsibility of every sexually active adult to determine their own reproductive goals, and make pro-active choices to achieve those goals.

This is more important now than ever, with the Affordable Care Act in jeopardy, and vital community resources such as Planned Parenthood under constant attack. There is a real concern that thoughtful, effective birth control may become harder to obtain in the coming months, which is why I urge everyone who does not plan to have a baby in the next few years, look into different birth control options and take steps to protect yourself.

Having a child can be the best experience of your life, but only when it’s right for you. Educate yourself, know your options, and take control of your future.

-That Sex Bitch

Good Luck…

As we stare down the barrel of a loaded presidency, many people face these coming years with a growing sense of impending doom.

It’s 48° in our nation’s capital today, with precipitation at 60%, and humidity predicted to be at 80%. Winds are expected to be 5mph…

And honestly, that’s a fair reaction. I mean, holy shit, was the mediocre western actor who tanked the economy in the 80s not lesson enough that celebrities should not be politicians?

But I digress. People are worried about what the next four years may bring from our incoming President. But to these people, I humbly propose, that this is pessimistic thinking, and we should look at the situation with optimism.

First off, we’re assuming he’ll last the whole term. Four years is a long time, and a lot can happen in that time. I’m not wishing ill on him, I’m just saying, he’s not exactly young, and even if his age doesn’t factor in, a lot of other things could happen.

If consensual oral sex in the office is grounds for impeachment, then surely someone with the temper of a three year old is bound to step out of line sooner or later.

He also seems to be made primarily of copper, so excessive exposure to the elements due to public appearances could cause him to oxidize, forcing him to resign to focus on treatment for his patina.

Or he could just get bored with the job. I mean really, how long will it likely take him to use his position to secure international business relations that benefit his family and sell off any usable assets to our enemies, effectively gutting and flipping our nation, until there’s nothing worthwhile left?

Okay, that part was less comforting. My bad.

But look at it this way: what he’s done here is really pretty inspiring. Against all odds, or even common sense, and with absolutely no qualifications, experience, or talent, he rose to achieve the highest level of success our nation has to offer. He’s kind of like Rudy, if Rudy was a big, angry carrot with his tiny hands on a bunch of nuclear weapons.

Another trait Trump and Rudy share: both have had charges brought against them by the SEC. Hey, to make an omelette, you’ve got a break a few federal eggs, amirite?

So really, if a politically illiterate real estate mogul-turn-TV host can rise to become the most powerful man in the world, then any average Joe with drive, a dream, and several million dollars of his daddy’s start-up money can do it! Believe in yourself!

If nothing else, at least this will make a good story for our grandchildren (assuming we survive to have them) of how we survived the beginning of the Apocalypse.

And if it all truly goes to Hell, there’s always time travel.

So let’s give our new Pre-hurr… sorry, little dry heave… our new President a chance. After all, he hasn’t gotten us all killed yet!

The first President to ever win 4 Grammy Awards.

-That Political Bitch